Why Am I Not?

This is a question I have been wrestling with a lot for the past few weeks. Why is there always such a void between who I am and who I want to be? Why are I not more faithful, loving, joyful?...the list seems unending. It's quite possible this is something I simply struggle with but from seeking the counsel of others I feel as though it is more common that we tend to lead on. 


I continually am frustrated by the moments I could have demonstrated patience but rather acted in a rude or hostile manner. Or the many conversations I have torn down and spoken poorly about someone instead of uplifting and encouraging them let alone the Kingdom of God. Instances like this quickly remind me of just how human I really am. 


While I wish I could simply flick a magic wand and make myself into who I want to be rather then who I really am I find comfort in several different places. In Paul's second exhortation to Timothy he boldly proclaims,
"But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom." -2 Timothy 4:17-18
My prayer is that the Lord would stand beside me and strengthen me, rescue me from the lion's mouth as well as from every evil deed that is prohibiting me from fully proclaiming the message I am to bear witness to. My prayer is of the same for anyone else who is struggling with similar thoughts and emotions, as I understand the trap and foothold the devil can overtake us with in this aspect. 


I also find abounding peace in John 15, the ever so common vine and branches passage. While I highly suggest reading through the whole passage there are two verses that shine brightly to me.
"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:4-5
So many times I try to pursuit the way I want to be on my own, but clearly I will not bear fruit when I am traveling solo. As I learn to live by abiding in the vine [Jesus] I will foster and bear much fruit and be growing into who the Lord wants me to be rather than what I want of myself. I must also remember that fruit does not appear overnight. The process of growth takes a long time and patience must and will be tested throughout the journey it takes to bear the eventual fruit. 


So even if you [as I am] are stuck in limbo of who you long to be versus who you really are, know and trust that the Lord is faithful to those who abide in Jesus Christ. For apart from Him you can do nothing. Finally, pray and ask that you would know and understand more of what it means to abide in Jesus. Ask for clarity in how to live this out in your life and pray for perseverance over the Devil. 

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