So What Did I Just Do?

Rejoicing Over A Finished Portfolio! 
12,445 words, 55 pages, days upon days of staying up late and waking up early, and many library visits later I am finally done with my semester long philosophy of adolescent ministry portfolio. The purpose of this portfolio was to act as essentially a capstone for my Christian education and youth ministry degree and was filled with everything ministry related...my theology, biblical foundations, philosophy, ministry resources, lesson plans, calendars, budgets. You name it, it was probably in there.While I am sure down the road I will be very appreciative of this work, right now my head is swamped. Maybe it's due to the lack of sleep or obsessive screen time yet I find it to be something more.

I entered college as a bright-eyed freshman in Northwestern's nursing department a wee two years ago. No that is not a typo, I was indeed a nursing student. For those who know me well now this just doesn't jive with who I am and where my passions lie yet at the time I tricked myself into thinking I could actually enjoy science. That clearly failed (along with my first semester courses) and in stepped Laura to ministry. Youth ministry had been laid on my heart right before my senior year of high school but I suppressed such notions because of what the surrounding world was telling me...how can you be a woman in ministry? Why are you paying tens of thousands of dollars for just hanging out with kids? Your just a student yourself and you think you want to jump right into it again?

The Lord persevered (as He always does) on this calling however and I answered going into my second semester of freshman year. Fast forward a year and three semesters later where I find myself on the flip side yet experiencing these worldly pressures all over again.  I am incredibly thankful and blessed by the energy the Lord provided and the support I had to accomplish this portfolio yet I am left confused and unclear of what ministry God has in store for me. It's a funny feeling to have just written 55 some pages on this exact subject but end up at the same point as you were in the beginning.

My 'boss' on Campus Ministry Team this year told me a few weeks ago that I truly am a "discipler." I hadn't before recognized that in myself, but after processing it for awhile I truly believe this is where my gifts and passions lie in discipleship, intentional relationships, and seeing progress in others. I have a strong desire and passion to work in family ministry, catering to the holistic family as expressed in Deuteronomy 6. Yet I struggle to comprehend how this looks in practice. I feel as though this semester has been one of disequilibrium for me as I have been exposed to so many new and challenging questions, critiques, and arguments. In this moment I feel like the devil has a foothold in my faith and passion of ministry as I am having a hard time working through, processing, and moving into a new practice reflected in what I have learned from my ministry classes. I trust and believe that these different opinions I have been opened up to are working on molding and refining me but I find myself at a stand still in pursuing God because I am so overwhelmed by a critical mind in myself.

Yet all this to say, I know and trust that my Lord is faithful and full of mercy, grace, and love that is shed onto me even in this time of instability. I am unsure of what the future brings, what my ministry context I will be in, or how family ministry really looks but the one thing that I have learned from this portfolio is that it is okay to not know. It is okay to not have everything figured out. I know that I have a passion for ministry in the church and in the lives of Christians, I know that I love discipleship and bringing out the best in people, and I know that I love the Lord and trust in His unfailing plan therefore I am okay with being okay.

I eagerly await this summer as I am making it a Sabbath season. Yes I will be working but my heart, mind, body, and soul needs a period of resting. Since entering college I have been on the run with 18-20 credits a semester, 24/7 camp ministry in the summer, and multiple leadership positions. I regret none of these decisions yet have come to a point in which I am in desperate need for reflection, peace, and solitude of heart and mind.

I pray that I would not be consumed by the forces of this world and ideas of what ministry is according to humans but that I would rather open a floodgate for the Spirit to pour into and guide me into ministry according to God's perfect and pleasing will.

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